Content warning: This story contains descriptions and depictions of sexual abuse, suicide, and drug use. Reader discretion is advised.
Photo Credit: Marcelo Leal
Shalom sank into the rug and dug her hands into her bushy hair. She ignored the mucus that had gathered at the tip of her lip while she read Tony’s diary. She pounded her fist on the rug, seething. Shame. Guilt. Bitterness. They washed over her. She sprang up from the floor and charged at Andrew, holding him by the collar.
“Where were you when this was happening to my son? Where?” She slapped his chest, and he pushed her away.
Shalom slapped herself several times, and she burst into a fresh batch of tears. The navy blue, V-neck shirt Andrew wore was covered in sweat. He could not believe that was what Tony was going through under his watch. His mind raced with what he was going to do to the devil that lived under his roof and robbed his son of his innocence, but he was more determined to get to the end of the journal so he could know the extent of the damage done and the punishment he was going to mete out.
Andrew flipped open another page.
*****
My grades began to dwindle. I had lost concentration in school. When my teachers are teaching, all I see is Aunty Halimah’s naked body and Mr. Kola’s image in my head. He told me to close my eyes when he was doing what he was doing but I have a mental image. Whenever I was doing my assignment Aunty Halimah’s hands were always in my pants. I’ve gotten used to laying my weary head on Aunty Halimah’s breast because that is the only comfort I know.
“You can touch me as you wish,” she’ll tell me. “My body is for you and I love the way you make me feel.” She would attempt to put her breast in my mouth but I was never comfortable. It was only for babies, at least that was how I saw mum feed my two sisters.
Dad would raise his voice at me and beat the hell out of me because of my poor grades. If mum tried to intervene, he’d push her way and threaten to do what he was doing to me to her. He didn’t care to know the reason for the sudden change; all he cared about was the money he paid to put me through school. To serve as a punishment for failing, he withdrew me from my former school and enrolled me in a public school.
“I’m not ready to waste my money on a nitwit. His sisters are even doing better than him at their tender age.” I heard him tell mum when she challenged his decision.
The boys in my new school were bigger than me. Each time I passed through a group of boys, they hurled stones at me and called me smallie. I never measured up to anything they did. The day Obi put a cigarette stick in my mouth, I fought with him. I was just thirteen and the thing almost choked me. He pushed me to the ground, my head hit a pebble and he began to throw punches at me while the other boys hailed him. When I got home, dad saw my torn uniform and bruised face, and he beat me for fighting in school.
“You’re such a disgrace.” He blared. “Our years of waiting to have you was a waste. Your sisters should have come first and not you.” He slapped me and pushed me out of his sight. I staggered to my room, my throat choked with stifled tears.
When mum came back, I heard dad’s voice. “You have to go and talk to that disgrace you call a son.” His voice was coarse.
“Andrew can you hear yourself? What sort of rubbish are you saying? Who’s a disgrace? Mind you, he is our son, not my son.”
“Hey woman! I don’t care what you think, but you have to quit your job to pay attention to your son. If you had time for him, he wouldn’t turn himself into an urchin, coming home with a torn uniform and a bruised face.”
“So, what has that got to do with me quitting my job? The job that puts food on the table? Why don’t you quit yours and pay attention to him? His he not your son too?”
The next thing I heard was a loud thud and a shrill cry from mum which ended the conversation. Things never remained the same; not like things were good before though.
Aunty Halimah filled the gap well. She comforted me every night, and I was always eager to receive her. I knew she would always come to my room if the coast was clear. The boys at my school picked on me. My teachers would always call me olodo. Mr. Kola never left my mind.
Andrew flung the journal across the room. His skin crawled as he rehearsed what he had just read. He ran out of the room down the stairs, and made for Halimah’s room but she wasn’t there. He searched through the house but couldn’t find her. He stomped off to his room. He cast a glance at Shalom who lay sprawled on the floor. He picked up the journal from the floor and flipped to the last few pages.
*****
By the time I was fourteen, I was already smoking. The boys in my new school introduced me to it. They said I was too sluggish to be in their company and if I wanted to belong, I needed to man up and be high. They took me to their joint. They poured out a coloured, liquid substance for me in a plastic cup. I spat out the content because it burned my lips, and I earned a slap for that. Some of the boys held my hands, and another one poured the content in my mouth. My head felt light and it seemed like I was in another world. After few weeks, I got used to it. I drank it like I swallowed saliva. I drew in cigar like I drew in air. I was beginning to like my new life. Aunty Halimah on one hand, cigarette and alcohol on the other. It was my new normal. Dad and mum were never around. And my sisters? They were granny’s little favourite.
Shalom snatched the journal from Andrew’s hands and turned to the next page.
*****
Sex doesn’t mean anything to me again. I’m now sixteen and I’ve mastered the game well. Halimah has stopped coming to my room. I was now going to her room. We would get into the bathroom together and touch each other before she would lead me to her bed. She would press my head down and smother her moan with a pillow or clothe. One day, she was so loud I feared mum and dad would find us, but she reminded me that they were the only two at home. Mum and dad had gone on their regular trips. We were home and free doing what mum and dad could never imagine. For the whole week that mum and dad travelled, Halimah stopped me from going to school. She would play pornographic movies on my phone and we would do exactly what they did. I invited one of my friends, and she invited the gateman. The gateman and I now share Halimah and I hate to share. I always looked forward to our night together. I wanted it to be us. I wanted it to be our private little party. I wanted her body to myself. I couldn’t stand the thought of her being with another man. I should be the only one to have access to her.
I no longer cared about mum and dad. They abandoned me a long time ago so there was nothing new. At least I was a disgrace and a nitwit, but I had someone to show me love or so I thought. Halimah has been avoiding me lately and it is killing me. Maybe because mum and dad have been around these days and we almost got caught. I can kill myself if I don’t sleep with Halimah. It’s almost one month. The day I went into the kitchen when she was cooking and touched her, she pushed me away when we heard footsteps approaching. I gave her a playful spank on her bum and grinned at her. I thought she would come to my room that night but she didn’t come. When I went to her room, she only allowed me to touch her before she pushed me out of her room. I haven’t been able to get over her.
It’s been two months now and Halimah has not slept with me. I’ve tried to move on with other girls in my school. They gather around me like ants on sugar, but they are not Halimah. Halimah taught me many things and I crave her like I crave cigarettes. I don’t know what to do. I think I’ll end it. Halimah wants to abandon me the way mum and dad abandoned me. Maybe nobody truly cares about me. I can’t handle it any more. I wish my life didn’t turn out this way. I wish I was never born.
*****
Shalom moped while Andrew kept staring at the journal in his hands. The clouds had gathered and it looked like it wanted to rain. Halimah bolted from the gateman’s post at the sight of the darkening cloud. She straightened out her skirt and blouse before sneaking into the house. She went to the kitchen and saw the cooler of food untouched. Afraid that something had happened to her employers, she went to their room. She knocked on the door and pushed it open. In a flash, Shalom sprang to the door, caught Halimah by the blouse, dug her teeth into her neck and began to pound on her. She pushed Halimah to the floor and kept throwing blows at her. Andrew was at a loss for what to do. He dragged Shalom away from Halimah and when Halimah managed to get up, a slap sent her crashing to the ground. She tried to crawl away and Andrew threw another one at her. He held her by the neck and pushed her against the wall, kicking and slapping her. When he was done with her, he threw her out of the room.
He walked to his bed and crashed into it. I failed you as a father, Tony, I failed you. The tears poured out. Just forgive me from your grave, that’s all I am asking for. I can never forgive myself and get over this guilt but at least you can forgive me. Forgive my stupidity. Forgive my carelessness. Forgive my ignorance. Minutes passed and Andrew felt the sting of silence. He looked up at Shalom and saw her still body on the bed. His heart skipped.
He rushed over to her side and shook her but she wouldn’t respond. He raised her head. He could see the marks of grief on her face. She still had that beauty that caught his attention buried beneath a pile of grief. When she wouldn’t respond, he managed to lift her in his arms and bolted down the stairs, dumped her in the car and drove out of the compound.
“Where were you when it happened?”
“Doctor, what happened? I was with her… we were in the room together.”
“And you did not notice when she had an attack?”
Andrew scratched his head as he paced before the doctor. He had seen it. He had seen that pained expression when she was hitting Halimah. He could hear her gasping for breath before he pulled her away, but he was too focused on what was at hand. He knew something was wrong. That was not the first time she was going to have an attack. Andrew let out a jarring sound, drawing the attention of other patients. “So, what is wrong with her, Dr Collins?”
“We’re sorry, Mr Williams. We did all we could, but we lost her.” The Doctor walked out.
Andrew placed his back against the wall and slid down. He remained like that as time ticked away. He drowned himself in grief and counted his losses. He sure was going to miss her. They had not been on the best of terms in the past three years, but he was not prepared to lose her either. He needed someone to bear this pain with him. He had to hold on. For the sake of his girls, he had to. He wished he could undo the past. He was determined to do better. Martha and Mitchel must not go through what Tony passed through. He was determined, but he was too weak to carry on.
The end